Dear SassyScribe:
A coworker of mine reads your blogs and I am now a fan. You give pratical real advise and that is what I need.
I am woman in my late thirties and I have been dating a man for the last year, and I have a problem. This man is the same age, has one child and is financially successful in his own right. My problem is he always talks about the bodies of other women. He exclaims outloud when a woman with a good body appears on the television. He has an extensive porn collection that I feel is more than the average man should have. I try to convince myself that I am open minded and adult enough to handle his attitude, but I can't. I don't know how to tell him that I my feelings get hurt when he drools over other women irregardless of them being on TV or not. I don't like him making wolf whistles and cat calls about a womans breasts or her butt. It makes me wonder why is he even with me. I don't have the bodies of these types of women. I don't think that I am an unattractive woman and I could stand to loose some weight, but he makes me feel so very ugly when his tongue hangs out his mouth because of a big butt and big breast.
My girlfriends tell me its not a respectful situation that I am in. They tell me that he never asks me out and I am always asking him to go places and to do things. They tell me that I need to leave him alone, but I can see that this is a good man. He pays his bills on time, and when we do go out I have alot of fun, its just that I get self conscious whenever I see a pretty woman with a nice shape. I know what his tastes are and I ask myself what is it about me that he likes that made him date me in the first place. In the past year I have gone on diet after diet because I feel that if I loose weight he won't look at other women. I am afraid to talk to him about this because I hear him saying how women need to step their games up and not to let our insecurities mess up situations.
I need help. I know I should leave but I want to know should I talk to him about this or just continue to grin and bear the situation?
Confused
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Dear Confused:
First off I want to thank you for reading my blogs...and tell your coworker thanks for turning you onto me.
WOW is the first word that came to mind when I read this. I don't know what to say...On the one hand, I know that men love Janet Jackson, Halle Berry, Beyonce, Gabrielle Union and others like that, and I know that they may stare at the TV a little harder and longer when they are on there, but as a woman, I do the same thing when I see Shemar Moore, Brian J. White, or Boris Kodjoe...they look good and everyone loves eye candy.
However, you're friends are right. It sounds to me as though you are in a relationship by yourself and at his convenience. I am asking myself what it is he saw in you if you state that he makes lustful outburst at the sight of beautifully shaped women. That is wrong and its disrespectful. Understand that men look at all WOMEN, everyday. Men are always looking because like us they are visual creatures as well...but to make a statement or comment about another womans' body in your presence is telling me that he is not feeling you at all.
If he was a male friend and said that I could understand, but as a man that you are dating and I can tell from your email that you are feeling him and have developed feelings for him, makes this situation even harder. If you plan on loosing weight, do it for the betterment of yourself, healthier lifestyle, quality of life, etc...DO NOT DO IT FOR HIM OR ANY MAN, because this man sounds like its all about him.
I suggest that you leave, but before you do, say what you have to say. Tell him how his words of admiration for other women in your presence upsets you. Tell him that you want to know what it is/was about you that made him date you? As him why does he feel the need to voice his thoughts and believe that you would be okay with what he says.
It sounds to me as though this man, (who is acting like a highschool boy) is masking his own inadequacies by expounding on the outer physical beauty of others that he feels beyond his reach. Tell him if he wants a woman with a certain type of shape then he needs to go and find her and leave you alone.
I know that leaving a person is hard. I know that we get used to daily routines and doing/expecting things with certain people, but this man is selfish and concerned only about himself. If a man truly wants you he will find a way of spending time with you and will also want to do things with you. Leave this onesided situation and move on to a man most worthy of your love and respect.
SassyScribe
